Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Phrases people say that never seem to be meant literally

"Don't go there": Why, is there a monster there? Where is that anyway?
"Talk to the hand": If I tried to do that you'd think I was retarded.
"She's kind of a butterface": I hope she lives in a colder climate, like Norway.
"Cut to the chase": Sorry, I forgot I was showing you a film, you impatient asshole.
"It blew my mind" also, see: "This blows": Yes, that POS fan does indeed blow.
"Level-headed": Yikes.
"Here's a quarter. Call someone who cares": That's a very archaic saying, as we all have cell phones now. Gimme that quarter!
"Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?": Why yes, I would. That is very thoughtful of you.
"I literally (insert past-tense verb)": I believe literally everything you say.
"Get out of town": Can I borrow your car?
"I love you, baby": Thanks, but I'm a baby and therefore can't understand the concept of love. Please keep your privates away from my orifices.
"... was a dead giveaway": I always show up right after the last corpse is given out.
"Bite me": Trust me, do not ask me to do this (I have rabies). Hey, that reminds me.
"Rabid fan": Sure, it creates a breeze, but the foam gets everywhere.
"Soft as a baby's bottom": Here, let me prove it to you. Hey, put your privates away!
"He's real bright": OK, he's an albino.
"He's real sharp": OK, he's a swordfish.
"All things being equal": What? I'll trade you this shiny penny for your yacht.
"I dig it": Another archaic expression. We have landscapers for that.
"I know, right?" Sure, but how do I know you're not bluffing?
"I almost died laughing": Everyone loves a survivor.
"Loose stool": A screwdriver usually does the trick.
"Who let the dogs out?": Follow-up question: do they bite?
"The cat's pajamas": I have learned from experience that cats don't have, nor do they even want, pajamas.
"You have my word": I do, and I think I'll keep it (hint: it rhymes with "witch").
"What's up?" Not to be cocky, but I think it's safe to say it is not the ground.
"You're retarded": So sorry, I'll stop talking to your hand now.


wags said...

If you can think of more phrases people say that never seem to be meant literally, please let us know, Einstein!

AmyD said...

"keep your eyes peeled" -ouch!