Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Phrases people say that never seem to be meant literally

"Don't go there": Why, is there a monster there? Where is that anyway?
"Talk to the hand": If I tried to do that you'd think I was retarded.
"She's kind of a butterface": I hope she lives in a colder climate, like Norway.
"Cut to the chase": Sorry, I forgot I was showing you a film, you impatient asshole.
"It blew my mind" also, see: "This blows": Yes, that POS fan does indeed blow.
"Level-headed": Yikes.
"Here's a quarter. Call someone who cares": That's a very archaic saying, as we all have cell phones now. Gimme that quarter!
"Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?": Why yes, I would. That is very thoughtful of you.
"I literally (insert past-tense verb)": I believe literally everything you say.
"Get out of town": Can I borrow your car?
"I love you, baby": Thanks, but I'm a baby and therefore can't understand the concept of love. Please keep your privates away from my orifices.
"... was a dead giveaway": I always show up right after the last corpse is given out.
"Bite me": Trust me, do not ask me to do this (I have rabies). Hey, that reminds me.
"Rabid fan": Sure, it creates a breeze, but the foam gets everywhere.
"Soft as a baby's bottom": Here, let me prove it to you. Hey, put your privates away!
"He's real bright": OK, he's an albino.
"He's real sharp": OK, he's a swordfish.
"All things being equal": What? I'll trade you this shiny penny for your yacht.
"I dig it": Another archaic expression. We have landscapers for that.
"I know, right?" Sure, but how do I know you're not bluffing?
"I almost died laughing": Everyone loves a survivor.
"Loose stool": A screwdriver usually does the trick.
"Who let the dogs out?": Follow-up question: do they bite?
"The cat's pajamas": I have learned from experience that cats don't have, nor do they even want, pajamas.
"You have my word": I do, and I think I'll keep it (hint: it rhymes with "witch").
"What's up?" Not to be cocky, but I think it's safe to say it is not the ground.
"You're retarded": So sorry, I'll stop talking to your hand now.

2 comments:

wags said...

If you can think of more phrases people say that never seem to be meant literally, please let us know, Einstein!

AmyD said...

"keep your eyes peeled" -ouch!